CHRISTIAN SINGLES ARTICLES BY DR. JIM RIVES

There is a reality among many Christian singles that I have been wrestling over. It is a big challenge for many if not most single Christians. This reality is that try as they may, year after year, Christian singles are not finding a mate or even a great friend of the opposite gender. Christian singles face the reality that for them to continue to remain true in the faith, they are more than likely to never be married. This has caused many Christian singles to step away from the church and even God.

The need to be loved and accepted is huge. It is my understanding and belief that this is one of the primary forces that God placed into us at our birth. What a wonderful world this would be if every single Christian could find this love and acceptance.

I realize that I am opening up a huge area when I address this with Christian singles. However, it is something that is very real and cannot be neglected in ministering to single Christians. I tell you with open candor that I do not feel adequate to address this topic and that I count on God to guide my thoughts as I approach how to live under these conditions. I do “know” that God cares.

A recent email from a single Christian woman shared this challenge in great detail. She expressed how she has listened to pastor upon pastor teach about how to trust God and focus on Him, but that she remains very frustrated and disappointed. She pointed out how many other Christian singles have chosen to step away from God’s plan and take matters into their own hands. While she did not state so, the implication is that by stepping away from God’s plan these Christian singles were able to find a mate who did not believe in God and found happiness.

Are you tempted to take matters into your own hands and find a mate? Has the force to find a mate grown so huge that you are willing to pay any price to find one?

What complicates the situation even more is that single “Christian” brothers and sisters are not taking the time to befriend other Christian singles in their immediate circle. The focus is so consuming to find a mate that Christian singles speed through life in the chase while ignoring some fulfilling and rewarding friendships that are bumping into them every week. I am not into gender bashing but the truth is that this applies to single Christian men much more than to single Christian women. Yes, you can cite me many examples for the opposite gender, but the truth is that men are more prone to place priority on the physical aspects of a relationship than women. If a woman does not resemble the latest model portrayed on television or the movies, a man will likely ignore her. Honest Christian singles will agree that this is hurtful and stupid. There is so much more that goes into a great relationship than just the physical aspects.

How do Christian singles continue to hold on to their faith after “years” of not finding a relationship? Frankly, I do not have a complete answer but I do have some thoughts for Christian singles to consider:

Why did God create Christian singles the way He did? 1Corinthians 1:9 “God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.” I know that it is “preacher” type, but I find the single source of our being created the way we are is to have “fellowship” with God and His Son. God did not NEED to create us. He wanted to do so in order to have fellowship.

The fellowship within us also needs to be in connection with others. Paul gave some interesting instructions in 1Peter 1:22 (The Message) “Now that you've cleaned up your lives by following the truth, love one another as if your lives depended on it.” Now that would change the world for Christian singles, as well as everyone. I have counted at least 19 times in the New Testament where the Bible states that brothers and sisters in Christ are to “love one another.” One such reference is in Ephesians 4:2 “And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love.” Can you imagine a world where Christian brothers and sisters poured themselves out in acts of love for each other? That is my dream for a Christian singles group!

One will quickly gather that I am using the Bible as a reference to find a solution to this challenge. Allow me to tell you why I do so:

If Christian singles go into the world to find a solution, they will find many counterfeit solutions. Christian singles could chase around the world to find many guru’s that proposed to have a solution. The world uses justification called relativity for finding solutions. This theory develops such sayings as “whatever feels good, do it;” or, “as long as no one is hurt it is okay.” This approach sometimes provides temporary solutions but never long-term solutions. The underlying premise in this type of approach is really the survival of the fittest. Christian singles are okay as long as Christian singles are the ones on top of the hill, but their days are numbered. Christian singles may find a mate with this approach but they are more likely to find a divorce too.

My beliefs come not only out of God’s Word but also from my own experience as a single Christian adult. I was a single Christian for about eight years after my divorce. I understand the challenge and attractiveness in taking matters into your own hands. I also found that I made many mistakes in this way and it was very unsatisfying. It is with vigor that I share from God’s perspective.

As a pastor, I know all too well that life is not fair. It was not “fair’ that my 12-year-old nephew was raped and murdered. It is not fair that some very dear Christian friends have experienced deaths to their loved ones. I am on the mailing for my local church’s prayer list. It breaks my heart to see the experiences that many wonderful Christian people have to endure. What would you say to a small child that is dying of cancer? To his or her parents? What would you say to a couple that lost their 5-year-old boy in sudden death with no apparent explanation? What would you say to a woman who has to live by going to chemotherapy every week for the rest of her life?

Think about this beloved Christian singles, it is a rude awakening at times to realize that the perfect world we desire just is not so. Why? Is God busy in Heaven casting darts of cancer, death, loneliness, and despair? God is NOT the originator of our pain. He never has been and never will be. This world is filled with pain because of SIN. The ONLY one who received benefit from our pain is Satan and his demons. Their total mission is to cause doubt through pain and imprisonment through deception.

I am not able to tell you why some have cancer and others do not; why some die as a child while others live past 100; why some Christian singles find mates and other Christian singles do not. I agree with you that it is not fair.

Now, Christian singles have a choice since they are single. What are Christian singles going to do with the plate you are handed? God never said that living life His way would be a piece of cake. In fact, Luke 14:27 speaks quite the opposite when Luke shared, "Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.”

If you have done all that you know to do with counseling, growing, etc. and still not finding the answers, I have the following suggestions:

Jump! I realize that this again sounds so preacher-like but when we come to the end of OUR rope, I have found that this is the time to jump into God’s arms. It does not make any sense, but that is exactly what God tells us to do. The word is called faith. Christian singles with faith can endure anything!

Set an example of loving. Ask God to flow through you into the lives of other Christian singles. Seek out those Christian singles and others who are not being loved and share your love with them. Be the example of friendship to others that your spirit desires. Attention Single Christian Men, this means quit chasing single Christian women and begin developing what loving others really is about.

It is not easy for Christian singles to handle the emotions that develop when one is not successful in finding a mate. Pour this out to God and tell Him how you really feel. Ask for His touch and blessing to bring someone into your life. Also ask Him to enable you to carry this cross IF this is one He is allowing you to carry. Do not feed the part of your spirit that wants to have a pity party AND do not be around other Christian singles who want to throw a pity party. This will only accomplish to cause you further injury.

I cannot find any scripture where it says that God intended for everyone to be married. Paul clearly states in 1Corinthians 7 that it is a higher calling to be Christian singles and serve God. He also states that it is okay to be married. I do know that whether Christian singles or married, the “purpose” for our lives is to bring glory to God according to 1Corinthians 10:31.

Have I satisfied the question for those who are Christian singles? There is no solution or explanation for many outside of the Bible. The only way that I know how to handle what we do not like or understand is in the same manner that Abram/Sarah, Daniel, Shadrach/Meshach/Abednego, David, Ruth, Paul, and others did when they were confronted with challenges. There is one verse for Christian singles that I would like to share in closing. Proverbs 3:5 shares, “Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.”

Only God’s Spirit can comfort and guide Christian singles through the difficult times of life. Related Christian articles for singles: Christian Singles, Accept Yourself and others will too! Also read: Christian singles need not remain loaded down with shame and guilt. Also read: When Christian singles make wise choices for a fresh start, God is faithful to give single Christians what is on their heart. And: Any desperate singles? And: Should single Christians compare themselves to other Christian singles? And: "Single life is not fun for me. How does God expect me to be happy?" And: There are many different types of singles who profess to be "Christians." And: What are “blockages” that can negatively affect the lives of Christian's singles?

In His love,
Pastor Jim