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Christian Dating: "Should Christian singles engaged in Christian dating have sex while dating to be sure they are compatible before marriage?"


So many emails from Christian singles revolve around sex and the single life, premarital sex during Christian dating. One would think that all the other systems essential for living are placed on hold while one is a single Christian engaged in Christian dating. There is nothing new about the angles that are used to justify sex outside of marriage. The Old Testament if filled with how the sexual aspect of life negatively influenced someone (Samson, David).

One of the most out of control sexual philosophies that is being spread today, even among Christian singles engaged in Christian dating, is the idea that to be sure that there is sexual compatibility in marriage, the couple must experience premarital sex during Christian dating. This premise is not just promoted by men but many women are promoting it as well. I can think of nothing further from the truth than what this premise represents.

There are several reasons that I suggest this is a total lie and actually leads to destruction of the relationship versus moving it forward:

There is no way to have an accurate number, but I can tell you that the overwhelming number of emails from Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that I receive about this topic tell me how this leads either immediately or soon thereafter to the demise of the relationship.

The ones where it did not immediately lead to the end of the relationship it lead to confusion, guilt, and difficulty of getting the relationship back to a healthy place for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating.

Let’s state it like it really is. Any sexual relationship outside of marriage is a fantasy and the elements are not a true setting for what sex will be like in a marriage. I am not saying that sex in marriage is boring or not filled with excitement. I am saying that there is a condition prevalent in sex outside of marriage that is akin to forbidden fruit. Forbidden fruit always taste good to the lips but oh what it does to the internal organs!

Sex was created for two main purposes: procreation and intimacy of a married couple. The intimacy designed by God to be enjoyed by a couple goes deeper than the physical aspect. It is a union of the spirits at the very deepest level. When a couple has sex outside of marriage they are creating a false God for their spirits.

1Corinthians 6 tells us that we are called to live our lives in purity with Christ. It continues to say that we are not to take His Spirit within us and place it with a harlot. When Christian singles engaged in Christian dating choose to have sex outside of marriage they are taking the Jesus within them and placing Him with a harlot. Is that a little strong? Yes it is and it is the truth. For when Christian singles engaged in Christian dating practice sex outside of marriage they place themselves in the same definition as a harlot. A harlot is one who has sex for a price. The price does not have to be money, but paid by pleasure. It is still a harlot.

I am deeply troubled by the number of reports that I receive about ministers or Christian leaders who are rampantly promoting the theory that Christian singles engaged in Christian dating must have sex before marriage. There is no other way to say it than this is self-centeredness and placing their own desires above the care and protection of others. God will judge them and I urge those with such a philosophy to confess their sin before God and embrace the way of purity.

Marriage is not like buying a car or a new TV. It is a spiritual union that is combined and protected by God. Good sex is not measured by how fast one can jump into bed and gain a quick thrill. Good sex is developed over time out of trust and intimacy shared and nurtured between a married couple. God designed sex to bond a couple and to grow from time and love. And not for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating.

Related Christian articles for singles: Christian Singles and Pornogaphy.
And: Passions and Christian Singles And: Sex defined by God for Christian Singles Also: Premarital sex, what is, and is not, permissible in sexual behavior for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating? And be sure you read: What every single Christian REALLY needs to know! (about sexually transmitted diseases) And: No, Christian dating should not include recreational sex, but for many Christian singles it does.

I pray that God’s Spirit is at this moment tendering your spirit toward understanding better how He designed you and why He knows best how to guide your steps toward peace and joy.

In His love,
Pastor Jim

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Note: The answers provided in this site are intended to be as one provided by a minister. It is NOT intended to take the place of a licensed counselor. Dr. Rives encourages all who are seeking to resolve deeply rooted psychological, emotional or behavioral needs to seek the services of a trained and licensed counselor. The answers provided in this web site are intended to be words of encouragement and spiritual guidance as one would obtain from a licensed minister as well as the sharing of Dr Rives personal experience. Articles by Dr. Jim Rives used with permission, copyright © 2001-2009 Inc. (Arizona Non-Profit Corporation) All rights reserved.

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