CHRISTIAN DATING ARTICLES BY DR. JIM RIVES

When I initiated a survey on modern-day Christian dating vs. traditional Christian “courting” , I purposely left it vague and open. I wanted to see if anyone understood the term and see what responses it would generate. You will not be surprised that there were many survey responses with most taking a lot of time to fill in the narrative section. Very interesting!

All total I receive 172 responses to the survey. Allow me to provide some data about those who responded:

Female: 84%

Male: 16%

Previously Married:
1 to 3 years 9.1%

3 to 5 years 9.1%

5 to 7 years 9.1% (no, I am not repeating in error!)

7 to 10 years 13.1%

10 to 15 years 24.2%

15 to 20 years 13.1%

20 to 25 years 13.1%

25+ years 9.1%

Never Married: 42.7%

Divorced:
1 to 3 years 33.3%

3 to 5 years 21.8%

5 to 7 years 9.2%

7 to 10 years 5.7%

10 to 15 years 17.2%

15+ years 12.6%

Widowed:
1 to 3 years 8 people

3 to 5 years 1 person

5 to 7 years 1 person

15+ years 1 person

Children:
25.6% of those responding to the survey have children living at home.

The overall narrative responses to the survey reflect that Christian “courting” vs. Christian dating is almost non-existent or in poor condition. I believe that it would be accurate to state that 100% of them would welcome the more honorable, patient, considerate traits that Christian courting include vs. modern-day Christian dating.

As I stated previously, I did not define courting for the survey, as I did not want to limit or condition the responses. I can also share with you that most of the comments expressed the fact that today’s world has jumped over courting to the express lane of dating. It is a sad and unsatisfying approach that is leaving many damaged people in its wake.

The following are some comments that I have selected out of the many responses. They are unedited and shared as I received them:

#1 I believe that "courting" is an outdated term in of itself. In my opinion, courting has the connotations of identifying and "reeling in" a marriage partner. So, in order to court, you must be specifically looking to get married....hoping to put your best foot forward so that you may be viewed as a worthy marriage prospect. I'm divorced. I'm Christian. I'm dating, but not really looking for a "marriage partner". So I must not be courting. But I am open for marriage if I find someone that I want to be with permanently.

Don't be selfish. I've learned to listen well. I can learn, anticipate and meet the needs of a woman. I expect nothing less than the same.

#2 I have raised four kids with the idea that modern-day Christian "dating" is warped in our Christian society. When they find themselves desiring to get to know someone better, they should be dating in groups and with families. Christian Dating alone seems like it is filled with temptation, expectation, acceleration, and diversion. There is such opportunity for deception to be at work and because of our own woundedness, we can easily be swayed in a direction that God never intented.

My desire, as a Christian woman, is to be approached, not to do the initial contact. I want someone who will be very respectful of the concept of not placing me or himself in temptation's way and, therefore, would be courting with other couples or family as apposed to dating alone.

I am pretty old-fashion when it comes to wanting the small attentions that say, "I am thinking of you." Phone calls, compliments, holding my hand, tender tones, all speak volumes to me.

#3 There is no courting. In today's society, we have "instant" news, "fast" food, access to news in other countries thru the internet that is real time versus being delayed. We get caught up in wanting someone so bad, that we don't get to know people.

To me, it's the small things that count. Opening my door & helping me out of the car, sending flowers (doesn't have to be roses) to my office just to say thanks for a nice evening, taking the time to really talk about events, our interests and goals. Being spontaneous & showing up at the door with a picnic basket all packed--would really impress me if it was in the middle of winter & we had an indoors picnic.

#4 Aimless at times. A way to keep from feeling alone or undesired. It's extremely confusing, I've tried to be everything: indifferent, hard to get, easy to get, polite, nice, everything, but the "game" continues to change or maybe I do.

Honesty, Happiness, Kindness to all those with whom she comes in contact, Godly but not judgemental, goal oriented but not goal driven, Focused but not narrow-minded.

#5 The condition of courting today seems to be what ever it takes to have a hot relationship and then just drop the person and go to the next person.....maybe I am wrong.....but what happened to the respect and manners of courting from 20-30 or more years ago???

Tell Christian men to read some good Christian books on courting versus modern dating.

#6 Christian courting is a good idea. I think it exists most of my friends are married now. My non Christian aquantences are dating not courting.

With mutual trust and respect. To be open about our faith and be able to spend some time with friends and family.

#7 Pitiful. It is a buyer's market for the Christian men. There are FAR more single Christian women than single Christian men. The men are taking advantage of the situation to demand sexual favours. In the church there are so many women to men that the men have become ridiculously picky. If you don't look like a young super-model ...forget it. Black women just plain don't exist. If you do look like a super model you will find yourself flocked with supposedly Christian men who pressure you for sex and then dump you when you let things go as far as petting and then say they don't find you attractive. Also, Christian men today sit back and wait for Christian women to pursue (unless of course they look like super models.)

Stop focusing on whether or not I look like a super model. Take me out for coffee. Have discussions with me. Share social activities and get involved in volunteer work and Christian ministry together.

#8 There is no Christian courting in today's Christian world....Christian singles meet and the next thing you know they are in a intimate relationship!

I would like to see God like behavior such as love for others, honesty, respect, COMMITTMENT, serving heart, have stability in their life, sense of humor, spontaneous,

#9 I THINK PEOPLE CONFUSE COURTING WITH DATING. I BELIEVE COURTING IS A BETTER WAY OF GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE IT IS MOSTLY PUBLIC. SOMETIMES I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THE CHRISTIAN MAN I MEET THAT I WOULD PREFER TO BE COURTED, WHICH IS VERY FEASIBLE EVEN WITH LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THEY THINK I AM TOO OLD FASHIONED. TODAY'S SECULAR WORLD DATING IDEAS ARE INFLUENCING TOO MUCH CHRISTIAN SINGLES. COURTING FOR ME IS THE DOING OF THINGS TOGETHER IN A GROUP OR IF IT IS LONG DISTANCE SHOULD BE PROPERLY OVERSEEN BY ANOTHER MARRIED CHRISTIAN OR BY THE PASTOR SO AS TO BE ABLE TO KEEP IT PROPER.

NO CLOSE INTIMACY UNTIL MARRIAGE (NO FRENCH KISSING OR BEING ALONE TOO OFTEN) ACCOUNTABILITY, WILLINGNESS TO BE ONESELF AND TO SHARE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS.

#10 Christian courting means that it will be a time of deepening friendship to see if there will be a possibility of marriage.

By respecting me..to wait for me until we are married to have sexual relations..to be faithful..

Faithfulness..hope..love..peace..patience...trust..to be down-to-earth, open, to behave as a Christian gentleman and treat me like a lady and a sister in Christ..to put God first..and recieve accountability from an older mature godly Christian man who can be his Christian support team in dating or courting me.

In closing, I invite you to reflect on your attitudes about Christian “dating” and Christian “courting.” What are you really setting out to achieve? Is the method that you are going about it helping you to achieve your goal?

A recent definition of “insanity” is when a person strongly desires to change but continues in the same behavior.

Please take some time and reflect upon how you are interacting with other Christian singles. You have the golden opportunity to be a wonderful, positive, healing influence upon the lives of so many people. If you were to set out with this goal in mind, I wonder what would happen to your relationships?

Related Christian articles for singles: Christian Dating Advice: Christian Singles, here are some Thoughts for a First Date. And: Christian Dating: What does the Bible teach Christian singles about inter-racial dating? And: Christian Singles: Hurting people hurt others! And: Christian Dating Advice: how to start Dating again? And: Advice for Christian Singles: Should a single Christian woman let a single Christian man know she is interested? And: Christian Singles: "Is it love?" And: Dear Pastor Jim: "Do you expect all Christian singles who want to be married to be happy being single?" And: Christian Dating: "Dear Christian Singles, what Criteria Do You Use for Dating other Christians?" And: Christian Singles, are you Getting the Same Results? And: Is Christianity An Excuse for Christian Singles to Be Passive? And: Finding the Will of God and Making godly Decisions

In His love,
Pastor Jim

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Note: The answers provided in this site are intended to be as one provided by a minister. It is NOT intended to take the place of a licensed counselor. Dr. Rives encourages all who are seeking to resolve deeply rooted psychological, emotional or behavioral needs to seek the services of a trained and licensed counselor. The answers provided in this web site are intended to be words of encouragement and spiritual guidance as one would obtain from a licensed minister as well as the sharing of Dr Rives personal experience. Articles by Dr. Jim Rives used with permission, copyright © 2001-2008 JacobsMinistry.org Inc. (Arizona Non-Profit Corporation) All rights reserved.

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